I caught part of the ending tonight and was blown away by the same story plots they’ve been using for years. I hardly ever watched the show to begin with (the wife did) but I’ve hardly seen any episode for years. Tonight I saw the exact same script line and joked used in the first season of this show.
So, let’s make the ending to this overrun show better. Here’s how I would have liked to see it end
Dopey, whining Ross, tormented by his undying love for Rachel finally snaps. At their local not-so-hip coffee shop hangout he tries one last time to proclaim his love to her, but she rejects him. In a fit of terror he beats her bloody with an over-sized porcelain Cappuccino mug then runs screaming into the night. Joey walks in and says something stupid.
Rachael recovers from her injury with a horribly disfigured face -which now scares small children. She becomes a terrible shut-in refusing to leave the house. Many laughs abound as she attempts to walk through her front door mumbling “baby steps through the doorway” just as Joey comes in and says something stupid. Her psychiatrist keeps pushing Rachael to return to the scene of the incident. After several nights of trying, she manages to force her way out the door and down the street to the not-so-hip coffee shop.
Low and behold it happens to be the very same night Monica is closing the deal on buying the not-so-hip coffee shop. We learn Monica sold her recipe for “Anal Retentive I’m A Skinny Bitch Sugar Free No Fat Kibble Treat Cookies” (patent pending) to Little Debbie Inc for quite a few large. She decided to reinvest in the failing not-so-hip coffee shop.
Rachael, in her new necrotic ways, almost blows the deal for Monica. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael locks herself in the bathroom. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael has a nervous breakdown under the espresso machine. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael wets herself. Joey runs in and says something stupid. Oh the comedy.
Finally, Monica closes the deal right as Ross (who has been missing for 6 weeks) breaks in waving a large handgun. Looking haggard, unshaven and smelling of vomit, he whines at the top of his lungs “But Rachael, I love you Rachael. I don’t care if your face looks like a carved ham. I love you and that’s all that matters. Rachael, Rachael, Rachael!” Joey says something stupid and Ross calmly shoots him in the eye. Comedic gold erupts as frightened not-so-hip coffee shop patrons attempt to flee Ross’ murderous rage.
*Ouch, my side hurts from laughing. This is the best episode yet!*
Rachael screams and says “How can I live my life with you now? You’re going to go to jail forever dopey man. Which is too bad because I realized I DID love you (at least for the next few weeks)”
Ross pops. He puts a bullet in Rachael’s disfigured face before turning the gun on himself. Phoebe says something about getting blood and gray matter in her hair “yucky”. Chandler, picks up the gun just as the cops arrive. Phoebe and Monica try to convince the police he is innocent, but Chandler is hauled off to jail and tried for the murder of Ross and Rachael ( which the prosecution described as a tattered love triangle filled of sin, latex and gerbils). Chandler gets life and becomes the bitch of a large bald tattooed man named Dwight.
The not-so-hip coffee shop becomes very hip as it is now the location of a triple murder resulting from a tattered love triangle filled of sin, latex and gerbils. Monica sells the now-very-hip coffee shop for 300 times what she paid for it. She buys an uninhabited island in the south pacific and starts packing. Phoebe comes in and says something stupid but to the audiences surprise, Monica doesn’t laugh. Instead she grabs Phoebe and crams her tongue down her throat. Monica professes her love to Phoebe and Phoebe admits her love to Monica as well as saying something stupid. Together they board the boat and sail off to their island.
Within months they both die of dysentery. Oh the laughs.