DirecTV install gone bad

You know, working on the Sate-Light reminded me of a little story when I upgraded from me DirecTV reciver to DirecTIVO. So, here’s a little story for you from March 1 2004 (before I had this silly page up).

The direcTV guy came by today to install our new DVR. A pretty simple install as I already installed the telephone line, and the amp/switch box is about 5 feet below where the extra line needs to run. So all the installer needs to do is give us the new DVR receiver, run one coax line, plug it all in and leave.


First, he shows up two hours late. I expected as much so I’ve already resided myself to working on some projects around the house. After arriving, he spends a fair amount of time apparently doing “prep work”. I don’t have a clue what he was doing to tell you the truth. But he spent a good 45 minutes doing it. He then decides to install new face plates on our coax and telephone jacks behind the television. Granted, if he’s going to install an extra line, might as well make it tidy by giving us a dual coax face plate (The Tivo needs two lines from the dish so you can watch one show and record another).

This is when the install turns sour.

First, he says he has to go to another install and he will return to finish mine in a few hours. He did say he would get our system going with the one line before he leaves. When he returns he’ll run the second line and finish up.

Right at the moment he’s got his ass hanging out from behind the television he professes to me he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. He proceeds to inform me all about his church, his beliefs and how his life improved after converting to Jehovah’s Witnessism. He says had pretty much written off getting married, but apparently thanks to Jehovah’s Witnessism, he’s found true love. By golly that god fellow is a swell chap.

I’m not really in the mood to get into a big debate about religion. I’m not religious in the least and I find Christians attempting to convert me extremely rude. So, I excused myself to continue working on my project in the other room. In a few minutes Jehovah Bob calls me back to ask a question about our DirecTV service, which was just a sneaky ploy to get me back into the room for more of his Jehovah’s Witnessing. He asks me a very direct question “How do you feel about this stuff?” -meaning religion, church, etc. I tell his straight out “I have read the bible, I’ve read about various Christian religions, and have decided I do not and can not subscribe to Christianity.” I was foolishly thinking this would clue him into getting back to my install and away from Jehovah’s Witnessing. WRONG!

He starts back in. Once again I tell him I do not subscribe to ANY religion and excuse myself.

Moments later I’m called back into the room by Jehovah Bob and asked another stupid question about my service, which, of course, moves very quickly towards religion. By this time my daughter has returned home from school and is doing her homework at the kitchen table (within earshot of this fucking maniac). She keeps looking at me with a puzzled look on her face. In a few minutes she gets up and hands me a note (she’s 12 and passing notes are very important to a 12 year old). The note reads:

“Is he supposed to be doing his job or talking about religion?”

I almost died. What a funny kid.

At the time of this writing it is now two hours past when he said he’d be back -currently 8:00 pm. If I knew DirecTV was going to expect me to waste all day with what the installer has done so far, I could have done it myself in 5 minutes. Let’s see. Unplug old receiver, plug in new receiver, attach phone line. DONE!

Look. When a Jehovah’s Witness comes to my door Watchtower in hand, I have the option of letting them in to talk religion. You sneaky little fuckers have no business Jehovah’s Witnessing to me while doing a hired service in my house. I tried to be very polite and explain I did not witness Jehovah, Jesus, Andrew, Bob or anyone else. The only thing I ever witnessed was someone getting run over by a car, but that’s different. You sneaky little fuckers stay out of my house unless invited to enter to witness. If you enter to fix my toilet, install the DVR, paint my living room or clean my carpet, keep your fucking mouth shut about your religion! It is rude, unprofessional and quite frankly pissing me off.

I don’t hangout at your church talking about my house so don’t come to my house and talk about your church.

I’ve now called DirecTV and complained about their in-house Jehovah’s Witness religious services and their half-assed install procedures. I told them if this fucknut comes back and Jehovah’s Witnesses to me I’m dumping their service on the spot.


so there you go. My install story. The follow up is I managed to speak with DirecTV, complained, and they offered HBO for $2 a month for the next 6 months. I took it.

I still think I could have handled his questions better. Perhaps something like this.

Installer: So tell me,. how you feel about this stuff?

Me: Well,. during the Rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!

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