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Movie Review – Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Seven Graylands — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 07:41:29 +0000

(This is a movie review I wrote for another website under the name Capt Cranky.)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: CGI robots.

Before we begin, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit this movie put me to sleep. I dozed off at least 3 times. I’m not sure for how long, but when I woke back up it appeared to be the same scene. I may have missed some major plot points, but I don’t think so.

So, with that in mind, let’s just talk about what I do remember.

There are a bunch of robots from space that can change from one mechanical thing to another. Pop machines change into talking robots, Honda Accords turn into taking robots, university co-eds turn into talking robots, etc.

There is some guy and a girl and a yellow robot car. The yellow robot car is part of an entire group of good robots things called the Autoeroticbots – or something like that. There is a big truck robot who is the leader and a couple of stupid Jar Jar Binks level robot things which talk non-stop and are not funny (watching someone put a thumbtack up their butt would be funnier then the two bickering cars).

Every now and then some bad robot guys show up and the movie screen gets all blurry for about 10 minutes. I’m pretty sure this was the movie and not me falling asleep.

After a few scenes on top of large structures with circling helicopter shots played to a painfully drab symphonic soundtrack, our main characters are off on some mission – but I don’t recall what it is. They meet up with another robot thing who they discover is older then the other robot things – whooop-dee-fucking-doo.

Then Jesus “The Jesus” Quintana from The Big Lebowski shows up and helps but he doesn’t bowl.

At one point our heroes have to recover some object before the bad robots do. I couldn’t be bothered to care what the object was so don’t ask me. There is some sort of long back story about the object and how a group of robots sacrificed their “lives” to join together to form an impenetrable shield around the object. Of course when our heroes find the item they easily pop through the impenetrable shield. Hero boy gets the object and I think I remember it turning to dust and hero boy puts the dust in his sock.. or something like that. That’s a pretty stupid thing to have in a movie so I most likely dozed off and dreamed that part.

I’m pretty sure the scene with Linda Blair dressed as an elf princess being forced at gun point by terrorist monkeys to wander around Disneyland to find hidden Oreo cookies while avoiding falling office furniture being thrown by a 600 foot Hitler kitten who shouted “mazel tov” was a dream as well. That would be a shame because it was the best scene in the movie.

There are a bunch more scenes of characters on top of large structures with circling helicopter shots played to a painfully drab symphonic soundtrack, military men in slow motion and blurry quick edit jump cuts of fighting robots.

Finally in the end I think the good guys win and destroy an Egyptian pyramid or two.

If Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a porn movie I’d give it 10 out of 10 stars for production value alone. I can’t think of a single porn movie that had this budget or access to so many cameras mounted in helicopters. Sadly, if this were a porn movie, I’d have to give it 0 out of 10 stars for porn content. No one gets screwed in this movie except the person who bought a box office ticket.

Movie Review – 2012

Seven Graylands — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:56:29 +0000

Oh noes. Things breaking around us. Quick! Drive down the street really fast. Watch out for that big hole! Whew, you jumped it. OH NOES! That building is falling in slow motion. I have an idea. Drive through it. We have enough time. It’s falling in slow motion yet we are driving fast. Oh shit! Another big hole to jump. Watch out. The overpass ahead is now falling in slow motion. Drive under it quickly. Again we’ll make it because it is falling in slow motion. Now we need a plane. Quick take off before the runway cracks apart. Whew! just in time. Oh noes! Building is falling on us in slow motion again. Quick, fly under it. Now we’re in Yellowstone with a Woody. Everything is blowing up. Quick! Drive that camper you stole from Woody back to the plane. Jump that huge hole. Watch out for falling fireballs. Yeah! Made it back to the plane. Quick take off before the runway cracks apart again. Whew! Just in time. Oh noes! Ash cloud is trying to eat us in slow motion. Quick, fly plane faster. Yeah. We win. Oh noes. Now we need a bigger plane to fly to China. Quick, fly from Yellowstone to Las Vegas. Oh no. No big planes. Oh good. John sees his client from LA and they have a big plane. Quick take off before the runway cracks apart AGAIN. Whew! just in time. Oh noes! We’re almost out of gas. Why are the jet engines exploding when we run out of gas? Whew. The earth shifted around and we have just enough gas to land on this mountain in China. Why are you turning this movie off? This is great. No really. This is really good. Just wait until they need to take off in a plane again. We have a real edge of your seat idea for it. We’re going to have the runway start to crack apart in front of them. WAIT! COME BACK!

Movie Review – The Happening

Seven Graylands — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:03:40 +0000

(This is a movie review of The Happening I wrote for another website under the name Capt Cranky.)

The Happening
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

The other day I had to visit the pharmacy and pick up some doctor-prescribed salve for a rash I have in a personal place. I got this rash last weekend from a.. well, nevermind. Let’s just say it was worth it and for once I didn’t have to pay a shiny copper penny.

My vintage 1976 Chevy Monte Carlo is on the fritz again, so I had to take the bus. Whenever I’m forced to take the Chariot of the Devil, I try to avoid any communication with the peasants. It’s not that I don’t like the general public, I just hate them. I’ve been told by the police I can no longer hit them, so I figure I can avoid them by blending. I thought my best bet would to become a pod person, so I bought one of them Apple ear thingys. If you crank until your ears bleed, no one talks to you. If they do you can’t hear them anyway. Except for the hearing damage and dripping ear blood, it is a win-win situation.

I hate the bus, I hate the public, I hate going to the pharmacy and I hate this rash. I decided I might as well be my own Hellraiser Pinhead and make my suffering legendary – so I boarded the bus with Jewel’s first album playing on my iTard.

The bus was full and there was only one seat next to a handsome, well-dressed business man. Don’t get me wrong. By saying “handsome,” I don’t mean I want to share my rash with him, but he WAS a dapper looking gent. As I sat, he gave me a welcoming look and I think he said “hi.” I responded by loudly humming along out of tune to “Who Will Save Your Soul” and plopped down in my seat.

I don’t know what demon from Satan’s anus invented the bus seat, but as I sat, it felt like an uncoiled spring went right up my ass and perforated my spleen.

As I adjusted my seated violation, I caught a whiff of something vile. This is pretty common on the villageidiotmobile, so I tried to ignore it and breathe through my mouth. Nope, didn’t work. I can still smell it – like a red-hot cheese grater to the sinus. It smelled like a smallpox-infected cocker spaniel just dropped a three-year old McRib sandwich. My suffering meter peaked. I was forced to turn Jewel up to five – like dropping a brick on your foot to distract from the pain of just banging your head on a cupboard door.

I couldn’t figure out where the smell was coming from, so I stewed in the pew and tried to ride it out. I noticed the smell got worse when Dapper Dan looked my way. Did Handsome Jack just eat a McShit sandwich? Was this smell of lower intestine lofting from his ultra-white smile? The next time he turns my way I sneek a deep whiff. Sure enough he’d been Supersized. He looked like James Bond but smelled like my toilet after Uncle Bob desecrated it on Thanksgiving day.

As I begin planning my death, the nice-looking woman in front of me turns around. She starts yapping her jaw at me so I’m forced to take Jewel to eleven. She turns to Crappy McShitmouth and the two start talking.

So here I am, watching good looking people yammer on about something and I have no clue what they’re trying to say while this odor of Poo de Toilette lingers in the air around me as I begin to plan my own premature death in the unusual method of cranking Jewel’s shrieking vocalizations directly into my brain until I bleed out through my ears while sitting in the world’s most uncomfortable seat feeling like I was just anally violated.

And this reminds me of the movie “The Happening.”

Movie Review – Reefer Madness

Seven Graylands — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 20:06:37 +0000

Jack is a reefer pusher who is keen on getting teenyboppers hooked on dope at Mae’s apartment – which is a juice joint for wayward teens getting a wiggle on to the sounds of a screwy ivory tickler named Hot Fingers Peronie. Mae is a dolled up flour lover who thinks the whole caper is apple sauce, but Jack has something over on her and she plays the game just fine.

Bill and Mary, who were once so swell together, start to fall to pieces because Bill hooked up with Jack and has started smoking the devil weed. Bill decides to spend more time at Mae’s joint while Mary turns into a real wet blanket and goes to play tennis instead of cutting the rug and drinking giggle water at Mae’s.

As it turns out one of Mae’s other regulars, this tomato with a nice pair of stilts named Blanche, seems to have eyes for Bill. This choice bit of calico and Bill do some floorflushing before they blow to the bedroom for a bit of nookie. Of course they think everythings Jake because they’re hopped up on dope.

Meanwhile Ralph, this blonde fella, stays parked in a chair smoking reefer in Mae’s living room laughing like it’s nobodies beeswax.

As it turns out, Mary is still goofy for Bill and decides to gatecrash the lollapalooza at Mae’s because she’s got a beef with him being there round the clock. Plus, she’s bent out of shape because some G-men showed at her pad asking about her breezer, which her brother and Jack used to hit and run an old slob in the street a few days before. She gives the G-men a line and ankles down to Mae’s.

So the dame gets there and Ralph, who thinks of himself as a real cake-eater, makes the moves on her. He breaks up the petting party and tells the other teenagers in the room to scram so he can check out Mary’s bubs. Mary gives him the icy mitt. Ralph decides to light up some reefer and pass it as a everyday ciggy to relax this skirt. Mary smokes some and takes a flight, but the banks still closed for Ralph.

At the same time Bill and Blanche have ended their blanket bugaboo and are coming down from their reefer high. Of course they both feel bugged out for having sex before getting hitched. Bill scrams the bedroom only to find Ralph forcing the moves on his old sheba. A fight begins.

Jack, who was in the kitchen with Mae, hears the ruckus and decides to give Bill what-for with the blunt end of his six shooter. The gun goes off during the hoopla, Jack smacks Bill on the melon and knocks him out cold. We find Mary got rubbed out on the couch from the stray lead.

Jack wipes down the pop gun and puts it in Bills mitts. He tells Blanche and Ralph and the other teens to scram. An old geezer in the lower apartment tips off the coppers and they find the gun with Bills mitts all over it. Bill gets pinched and gets tried for Mary’s murder. He’s found guilty.

Meanwhile, Jack has Blanche and Ralph go on the lam and tells them to dry up about the whole caper. After a few weeks Ralph goes off his nuts from the devil weed and clubs Jack with a fireplace poker. The coppers arrive again and haul everyone away.

Blanche decides to make things copacetic for Bill and gives the Judge an earfull. She’s still not ducky with the whole affair and takes a dive from the court house window.

The Judge suspends the verdict for Bill but makes him sit through Ralph’s trial. We learn Ralph is forever off his nuts from the dope and is sent to spend the rest of his years in a home for the criminally insane.

The End