Cellularpath – Mental disorder marked usually by egocentric and antisocial activity.

From Websters Dictionary:
Psychopath – Mental disorder marked usually by egocentric and antisocial activity.

From Seven’s Dictionary for the 21st Century:
Cellularpath – Mental disorder marked usually by egocentric and antisocial activity.


What is with cell phones and people who feel they need them permanently attached to the side of their big fat blabbering heads?

I’m waiting in line for coffee at a somewhat busy espresso shop. The woman in front of me is on her cell phone the entire time she’s in line. When it came time for her to order, she put her index finger in the air to signal the clerk to hold for a second. Cell phone woman continued to gab for almost another minute before she ordered. Not to say she didn’t try to order during that time. She pointed at things and tried to quickly whisper her order to the clerk. The guy behind the counter just stared blankly at her. Now, this wasn’t a Miss Important Businesswoman call, nor was she a medic walking someone through the Heimlich maneuver. She also wasn’t on the phone with ‘lil Billy who fell down a well and needed someone to talk with while the workers above gassed up the backhoe,. this was gossip. Hey! Cellularpath! Let me teach you a little saying. It goes like this “I’m in the middle of a busy shop and I need to order in a minute, LET ME CALL YOU BACK”

Yesterday I’m out to dinner with my family. After 5 minutes of being seated I noticed a woman at a table of four on her cell phone. 10 minutes later our food arrives, this woman is still flapping her lips into the phone. We are finished eating and our check arrives, I look over, yup, still talking. Two people at her table get up to leave, she quickly says goodbye without removing the phone from her face. So now it’s just her and the other guy and he’s looking around the restaurant, looking at his fingernails, picking his teeth, straightening the little sugar packets, and taking the final sip of his ice water.. for the eighth time.. This rude bitch just keeps on talking. She finally hangs up about 30 seconds before they both leave.

I walked into the grocery store right behind a woman and her son. I bet he was about 8 years old. She was on the phone as she entered the store. As I was making my way around the store I noticed her in the produce section. I was picking out some onions, she was still talking away. As I was in check out, I noticed her walk up to the line across from mine. She’s STILL on the phone. The only thing I saw her say to her son the entire time was “no” and “don’t touch”. I left the store before her, but out of curiosity I waited in my car to see this woman leave. Sure enough she left the store on her phone, packed her things into the car on her phone and drove away STILL on the phone. I remember having nice conversations with my father at the grocery store. Does the average kid today need his own cell phone and hope the parental unit has call waiting for that conversation to happen these days?

I was driving to work the other day. I notice one guy at the street corner talking away. On the highway it seemed like every fifth car had some lame ass looser with stupid little flip phones creating alpha-numeric impressions on their cellularpathic cheeks. Hey Shitdick, before you cut me off next time let me teach you a little saying. It goes like this “I’m operating a rather heavy machine traveling at 65 miles per hour. Because my brain doesn’t allow adequate multi tasking, LET ME CALL YOU BACK”

Tonight my family and I went to the mall shopping for a coffee grinder for my brother in law. After a bit we decide to head over to the “food court” and have a quick snack. 15% of the people sitting at the tables are either on their cell phones or checking their messages on their cell phones. One table had two teens sharing the Happy Panda Stir-fry Flavoured Starchy Noodle Plate and they are BOTH on their cell phones. I’d like to think they were talking to each other, but I know they weren’t.

I started watching people in the mall. Perhaps more then 60% of the people own a cell phone I can see. Their phones are strapped to their belt, poking out of a purse, jammed into a back pocket or slapped firmly to the face of some wagging tongued looser. I even spotting one guy who had TWO cell phones on his belt. People are walking around everywhere talking on their phones. Everywhere I fucking look someone has one of these fucking things glued to their face.

There is something about a cell phone that creates a one-way mirrored bubble around these people. This bubble doesn’t allow them to use their peripheral vision nor notice they just stopped cold in the middle of a crowded aisle with a row of people right behind them. Hey fuck for brains, let me teach you a little saying. “I’m operating two legs attached to rubber soled foot protectors. Because my brain doesn’t allow adequate multi tasking, LET ME CALL YOU BACK”

I wonder what would happen if you herded a bunch of walking Cellularpaths into a large room with enough visual distractions? Would they all stop moving? Would they walk in their own little tiny circles? Perhaps over time they’d all start some sort of mobile user tide. All slowly moving clockwise around the perimeter of the room until one stops, which would cause them all to stop. And then, very slowly, they all start oozing forward again until the next one stops. Rinse. Repeat. Of course by the time they’re all herded into the room I would have started pumping the gas in -so I guess we’ll never know.

The thing is none of these people are saying anything important. If you listen in on the conversations of these poor saps 90 percent of the time you hear the same cellularpathic phrase – “OH MY GAWD. I KNOW!”. Or the second most popular phrase uttered into cell phones “Did you hear/know what (insert name) said/did?”

The two teens eating the Happy Panda Stir-fry Flavoured Starchy Noodle Plate should have been gossiping with each other. Instead they’re on the phone with two other people saying “Did you hear what so-and-so did?” and the other saying “Oh MY GAWD. I KNOW!”

I saw a crazy guy talking to himself waving his arms around, then I noticed he had some fancy wireless cell phone hanging on his ear. DAMN IT! Don’t you moronic cell phone minions take the joy of seeing crazy people shouting about the CIA bugging their underpants away from me. Now I have to stick around and make sure I don’t hear “Oh My Gawd. I know” in between the other nonsensical ramblings just to make sure they’re REALLY crazy.

I think I’m going to market a device that jams all cell phone signals in a 30 foot radius. I’m going to mount them in hats, umbrellas, and t-shits that say “Oh My GAWD. I KNOW!” In fact, I’m going to mount a super powerful one of these devices on the back of my car. Then when I pass these dimfucks on the highway, one hundred people all lose signal at once and as they all reach for redial I’ll enjoy seeing them play 65 mile per hour bumber cars in my rear view mirror as a cackle loudly and crank up Blondie’s “Call Me” to eleven. Crash and burn cellularpathic, Nokia looser.